Letting go!

He had looked at me through sedative induced haze and recognised me. He wanted to tell the nurse who wouldn't listen to him to pay heed because his daughter was there. Tears had rolled freely as I held his hand that was much too fragile, much too cold. His' were the hands we held during cold Delhi nights. As I watched him slip through diminishing phases of consciousness; inordinately, there were missing links of his deteriorating years in my memory. Somewhere along the way; I'd fixed a permanent image of him as a capable, virile, manly-man, a great father with quirks that he encouraged and appreciated in others as well. As I looked at my father shrunken and weak; I realised somewhere I'd forgotten to credit him for being a human being, a person. He was to stay forever; the same understanding, strong person. He'd defy mortality because he couldn't possibly not be there one day...

As i observe myself getting jaded with every passing year; his spirit at 60 brought me a fresh sense of perspective. I wish I had a chance to share a few days of my life as I lived it everyday. I wish I'd removed the anxieties that must have gnawed at you. I wish I'd taken time out to assure you that I am happy and tell you that you did a good job of raising me. I now believe I can be as loving and forgiving as I believe you must have been through the years of raising 3 self respecting, independent and extremely 'human' persons... I will miss you always. I will forever fondly tell the stories and share your memories to keep you alive. I hope you're enjoying a view of some lovely mountains, a rocking chair and its summer around you. I'd like to fix another picture of you; the one where you're carefree and healthy in body. Bye Bye papa I love you